Funny Things:

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Kaden (7 years old), in church on St. Patrick's day, wipes a booger on his shirt. As I'm cleaning it off he says, "Well, at least it's green!"

Ashton (7 years old): "If I could have one wish it would be that there was no taxes and that we lived in a mansion"

http://pinterest.com/source/so-relatable.tumblr.com/

Funny things to say:

(when people ask what you do for a living)
I am a...
shepherd
cartographer
puppeteer
minstrel / storyteller

=========== Movie / TV Quotes
Psych:
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Lassiter: Spencer, keep your pie hole shut until I assess the crime scene.
Shawn: Nothing shuts my pie hole but pie.
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Gus: Where's Lieber?
Juliet: Gone. Looks like he's on the lam.
Shawn: If he's on a lamb he won't get far. Alpaca, different story. Those things really fly.
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The Office:
"Nostalgia is one of the human's greatest weaknesses. Second only to the neck." – Dwight Schrute

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Chuck Norris likes his meat so rare... he only eats unicorns.
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Team Names:
Victorious Secret
Bowl Movements
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"I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache & suddenly she's not your friend anymore."
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1. If a pig lost its voice would it be disgruntled?
2. Would a cardboard belt be a waist of paper?
3. Would writing with a broken pencil be pointless?
4. Are tennis players cold hearted because love means nothing to them?
5. Is Atheism a non-prophet organization?

Okay, now you're ready for some serious fun:
1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that votes.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
18. Tax money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

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Punography  ~~

I tried to catch some Fog. I  mist.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.
PMS jokes aren't funny, period.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
Broken pencils are pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary?  A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
Velcro - what a rip off!
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner? Oh deer!
Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
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Hillary Clinton walks into a fortune teller they look down at the crystal ball and the fortune teller says " Mrs. Clinton your husband is going to die a horrible, agonizing, painful death." Hillary looks up and asks "will I be acquitted?"

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Stephen King said he has the heart of a little boy. It’s in a jar on his desk.

Sorry, Robert Bloch, the author of Psycho, said that. Way before King became famous. And the quote is “I have the heart of a little child, I keep it in a jar in my desk.”
When an interviewer asked him if he was as warped as his stories.

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