Humor

Steven Wright

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked

something.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is

research.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. (this is

one of my long time favorites)

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried

before.

Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.



On the other hand, you have different fingers. -- Steven Wright

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.
So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?" -- Steven Wright

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. -- Steven Wright

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth.
On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
-- Steven Wright

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
-- Steven Wright

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. -- Steven Wright

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
-- Steven Wright

"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes." -- Steven Wright

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo
cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of
the afternoon's appointments. -- Steven Wright

My socks DO match. They're the same thickness. -- Steven Wright

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the
road an hour. -- Steven Wright

I have two very rare photographs.
One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car.
The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
-- Steven Wright

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died.
-- Steven Wright

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.
You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
-- Steven Wright

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape
of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
-- Steven Wright

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues
that are in all the other museums. -- Steven Wright

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
-- Steven Wright

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
-- Steven Wright

What's another word for Thesaurus? -- Steven Wright

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
-- Steven Wright

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms
with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?" -- Steven Wright

You can't have everything. Where would you put it? -- Steven Wright

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
-- Steven Wright

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
-- Steven Wright

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
-- Steven Wright

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I
stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate
cake?" I said, "yes". -- Steven Wright

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll
give me the other one next year. -- Steven Wright

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?"
I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar." -- Steven Wright

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out. -- Steven Wright

I had amnesia once or twice. -- Steven Wright

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar. -- Steven Wright

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to
everybody on the list. -- Steven Wright

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They
went "Aaaaahhhh..." -- Steven Wright

My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
-- Steven Wright

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky
must get awfully crowded. -- Steven Wright

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
-- Steven Wright

You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and
then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.
-- Steven Wright

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
-- Steven Wright

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did.
Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".
-- Steven Wright

The sky already fell. Now what? -- Steven Wright

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
-- Steven Wright

I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't
see any forests. -- Steven Wright

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?
-- Steven Wright

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old
lady had to help me across the street. -- Steven Wright

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're
Shakespeare? -- Steven Wright

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're
reading, reading...and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm
like that all the time. -- Steven Wright

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment
somewhere. -- Steven Wright

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually... -- Steven Wright

I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it.
Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.
-- Steven Wright

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"
-- Steven Wright

I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare. -- Steven Wright

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
-- Steven Wright

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
-- Steven Wright

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all
day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open. -- Steven Wright

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open. -- Steven Wright

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment,
and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment?
I'm like that all the time. -- Steven Wright

I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What are you
making?" "A salt lick." -- Steven Wright

There aren't enough days in the weekend. -- Steven Wright

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors.
The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper. -- Steven Wright

Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.
-- Steven Wright

The sky is falling...no, I'm tipping over backwards. -- Steven Wright

Droughts are because god didn't pay his water bill. -- Steven Wright

Is "tired old cliche" one? -- Steven Wright

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
-- Steven Wright

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
-- Steven Wright

It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows. -- Steven Wright

When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of
three-by-fives. -- Steven Wright

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.
-- Steven Wright

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it
was none of my business. -- Steven Wright

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it
back. -- Steven Wright

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period.
Every crime ends with a sentence. -- Steven Wright

I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches. -- Steven Wright

I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine. -- Steven Wright

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By
the time I got the machine set up, I was done. -- Steven Wright

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts.
They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of
play-dough. -- Steven Wright

I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit
gum. -- Steven Wright

I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."
-- Steven Wright

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. -- Steven Wright

I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.
-- Steven Wright

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of
sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will." -- Steven Wright

I had my coathangers spayed. -- Steven Wright

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
-- Steven Wright

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa
Claus is missing. -- Steven Wright

I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said,
"Don't I know you?" -- Steven Wright

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle. -- Steven Wright

I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I
can ride a unicycle. -- Steven Wright

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the
prescription ran out. -- Steven Wright

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it. -- Steven Wright

I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on
TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today." -- Steven Wright

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said
to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is
traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything
happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."
-- Steven Wright

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope.
"We're surrounded." -- Steven Wright

I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I
got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
-- Steven Wright

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.
I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
-- Steven Wright

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the
ocean would be if that didn't happen. -- Steven Wright

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
-- Steven Wright

It's a fine night to have an evening. -- Steven Wright

Even snakes are afraid of snakes. -- Steven Wright

I can't stop thinking like this. -- Steven Wright

This isn't all true. -- Steven Wright

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top,
and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.
-- Steven Wright

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet. -- Steven Wright

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors. -- Steven Wright

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and
looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years
later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their
deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So.
What did you think?" -- Steven Wright

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says
it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told
me. -- Steven Wright

I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.
-- Steven Wright

What are imitation rhinestones? -- Steven Wright

If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?
-- Steven Wright

If God dropped acid, would he see people? -- Steven Wright

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often
I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a
woman in Madagascar. She said, "Cut it out." -- Steven Wright

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay
right up there. Hunters would be all confused. -- Steven Wright

I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose. -- Steven Wright

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it it. Every once
in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have
written that." -- Steven Wright

"So, do you live around here often?" -- Steven Wright

I got up one morning, couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She
said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said,
"They're behind the couch." And they were! -- Steven Wright

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box.
I was an only child....eventually. -- Steven Wright

[Referring to a glass of water:]
I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!
-- Steven Wright

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet
Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
-- Steven Wright

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes... -- Steven Wright

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. -- Steven Wright

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. -- Steven Wright

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?"
I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar." -- Steven Wright

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.
-- Steven Wright

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues
that are in all the other museums. -- Steven Wright

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings...
Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire. -- Steven Wright

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance. -- Steven Wright

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the
shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the
table would move across the floor to it. -- Steven Wright

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
-- Steven Wright

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt
dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?" -- Steven Wright

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said,
"ten-four." -- Steven Wright

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did.
Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars". -- Steven Wright

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was
locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He
said, "Yes, but not in a row." -- Steven Wright

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they
can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me
what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium." -- Steven Wright

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's
free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
-- Steven Wright

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting
Slinkies on the escalator. -- Steven Wright

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were
trapped on the escalators. -- Steven Wright

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap
department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know
when to stop unwrapping. -- Steven Wright

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same
room and let them fight it out. -- Steven Wright

Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it...
-- Steven Wright

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control. -- Steven Wright

I invented the cordless extension cord. -- Steven Wright

I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said, "Stephen, why haven't
you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no
five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know...
my calendar has no sevens on it." -- Steven Wright

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They
went "Aaaaahhhh..." -- Steven Wright

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said,
"Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so...
he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait." -- Steven Wright

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish
tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this
<<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store -- "Gimme another ten guppies, I
got a lotta calls yesterday." -- Steven Wright

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment
somewhere. -- Steven Wright

I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me are
furious! -- Steven Wright

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs
synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a
department store...with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in
the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store." -- Steven Wright

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often
I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a
woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out." -- Steven Wright

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real
brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm
gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it...it feels real." -- Steven Wright

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...so I never
have to go upstairs. -- Steven Wright

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera
to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face.
The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house. -- Steven Wright

All the plants in my house are dead---I shot them last night. I was teasing
them by watering them with ice cubes. -- Steven Wright

I have a microwave fireplace in my house...The other night I laid down in front
of the fire for the evening in two minutes. -- Steven Wright

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...If you wanted to
run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook,
you had to pull off a sweater real quick. -- Steven Wright

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
-- Steven Wright

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape
of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had
to buy them again. -- Steven Wright

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood
kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw
it at them. -- Steven Wright

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car
keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was
speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right
here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all
the cars, "Get out of my driveway!" -- Steven Wright

My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except
I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH. -- Steven Wright

For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to park it, so
I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...[slow glance upward]
-- Steven Wright

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas,
people behind me stop, and I'm gone. -- Steven Wright

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm
the only one moving. -- Steven Wright

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really
fast, and stick it out the window. I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to
take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica
sounds *amazing*. -- Steven Wright

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they
wouldn't have to go so fast. -- Steven Wright

I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy.
-- Steven Wright

My neighbor has a circular driveway...he can't get out. -- Steven Wright

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the
place. -- Steven Wright

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a
message and I'll call when I'm out." -- Steven Wright

Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the driving...every half
mile...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip...I don't
remember what it was. -- Steven Wright

I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be
really tired. -- Steven Wright

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said,
"See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down
on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off.
And see this thing? This steers it." -- Steven Wright

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know
the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be
out that long..." -- Steven Wright

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you
see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
-- Steven Wright

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get
pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it
clearly)...and says, "Here, you can go." -- Steven Wright

The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in
their right mind would park in the passing lane?" -- Steven Wright

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
-- Steven Wright

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area
was missing. -- Steven Wright

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to
go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy.
Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end
of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and
she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep." -- Steven Wright

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's
going to be up all night. -- Steven Wright

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I
said, "No, I made a few mistakes." -- Steven Wright

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. -- Steven Wright

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish.
My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world. -- Steven Wright

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over
there and write misspelled words on them. -- Steven Wright

I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She
said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said,
"They're behind the couch." And they were! -- Steven Wright

I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and
said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know,
but to me they're the same because I go by thickness." -- Steven Wright

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to
sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
-- Steven Wright

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires
backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he
said, "Hey, these records are all blank." -- Steven Wright

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He
caught every other fish. -- Steven Wright

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an
idiot. -- Steven Wright

I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him...
"Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me
and keeps typing. -- Steven Wright

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on
them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. -- Steven Wright

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge. Some
people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. -- Steven Wright

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now. -- Steven Wright

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
-- Steven Wright

[Referring to a glass of water:] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O.
I don't trust anybody! -- Steven Wright

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning...[picks up his glass
of water from the stool]...I like to live on the edge... -- Steven Wright

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
-- Steven Wright

I was born by Caesarian section...but not so you'd notice. It's just that when
I leave a house, I go out through the window. -- Steven Wright

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five
minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice. -- Steven Wright

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You
couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by. -- Steven Wright

=-==============

“Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?”

“I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.”

“Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak? ”

“Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.”

“I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.”

“Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang, 'Happy Birthday.”

“Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.”

“Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.”

“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”

“Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.”

“What happens if you get scared half to death twice?”

“Did you sleep well?"
"No, I made a couple of mistakes.”

“If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?”

“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.”

“A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.”

“I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.”

“Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.”

“I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

“I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!”

“It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.”

“If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?”

“If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.”

“Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?”

“Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?”

“I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.”

“I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.”

“A metaphor is like a simile.”

“I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.”

“When I was a kid we had a sandbox. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child...eventually.”

“When an evil masochist dies, does he go to hell, or would heaven be a better punishment?”

“Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?”

“What is the speed of dark?”

“I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.”

“If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.”

“If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?”

“Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?”

“Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?”

“I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.”

“Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?”

“Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.”

“I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?”

“I can levitate birds. No one cares.”

“If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?”

“Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff?”

“All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.”

“You can't have everything ... where would you put it?”

“Sometimes I talk to myself in languages I'm unfamiliar with... just to screw with my subconscious.”

“I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.”

“Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.”

“In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, 'Cut it out.'”

“How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?”

“Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?”

“You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...”

“I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.”

“If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too? ”

“I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.”

“My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.”

“If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?”

“I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?”

“I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.”

“Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world 'Up Over'?”

“I went to a general store, but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.”

“What a nice night for an evening.”

“I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wakeup letter.”

“Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.”

“What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?”

“What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?”

“How young can you die of old age?”

“I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.”

“If God dropped acid, would he see people?”

“It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.”

“My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.”

“Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?”

“Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?”

“I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it.”

“I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.”

“How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?”

“How can there be self-help groups?”

“I went down to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours. He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.”

“Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, 'So, what did you think?”

“Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!”

“Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?”

“The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, 'Tell me about some of the people who were here last year.”

“Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?”

“Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.”

“I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.”

“99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.”

“It is like putting a dehumidifier and a humidifier in the same room and letting them fight it out.”

“You know, the New Testament is pretty old. I think they should call them the Old Testament and the Most Recent Testament.”

“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?”

“I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.”

“If you can’t hear me, it’s because I’m in parentheses.”

“There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.”

“On the other hand, you have different fingers.”

“When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.”

“When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.”

“How do you get off a non-stop flight?”

“What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?”

“Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.”

“The early bird may get the worm, but it's the second mouse who gets the cheese.”

“I'm a peripheral visionary.”

“I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.”

“Once I tried to kill myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.”

“I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.”

“Cross-country skiing is fine as long as you live in a small country.”

“I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included. So I had to buy them again.”

“Imagine Oshkosh straitjackets for little insane children.”

“When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?”

“My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.”

“If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?”

“I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I didn’t have that much time.”

“How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?”

“I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.”

“If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?”

“When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?”

“I had amnesia once or twice.”

“I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.”

“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”

“I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.”

“I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.”

“Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?”

“If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?”

“So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I’m dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over...”

“To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.”

“Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.”

“I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.”

“Women. Can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em.”

“When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.”

“The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.”

“I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.”

“Is it possible to be totally partial?”

“I spilled spot remover on my dog; now he's gone.”

“Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.”

“You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.”

“I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.”

“I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.”

“The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.”

“Is 'tired old cliché' one?”

“Does fuzzy logic tickle?”

“When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.”

“I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.”

“I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.”

“I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.”

“Hermits have no peer pressure.”

“If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?”

“My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear.”

“I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else’s property. ”

“I was trying to daydream but my mind kept wandering.”

“If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?”

“I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me are furious!”

“My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.”

“I just lost a buttonhole.”

“i busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.”

“I don’t have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.”

“Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.”

“You cant have everything. Where would you put it?”

“Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.”

“Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.”

“They say the universe is expanding. That should help ease the traffic.”

“Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.”

“always remember your unique, just like everone else”

“The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.”

“I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.”

“You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment and nobody else shows up and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.”

“It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.”

“I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates".”

“The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.”

“If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?”

“24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?”

“is it good if a vacume really sucks?”

“I'm not afraid of heights, I'm afraid of widths.”

“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark”

“I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.”

“I'm writing a book. I'm almost finished. I numbered the pages. Now all I have to do is fill them in.”

“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.”

“Everyone who believes in psychokinesis raise my hand.”

“I went into a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.”

“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

“Write from Beyond what you know. From the authority of your senses." -author of Meditations in Green”

“What is another name for a Thesaurus?”

“I'm donating my body to science...fiction.”

“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.”

“I'm actually writing a short story about a photographer who went completely insane trying to take a close up photo of the horizon.”

“If heat rises, heaven must be hotter than hell.”

“Una conciencia tranquila es generalmente el signo de una mala memoria”

“When i have a kid, I want to put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic.”

“You can't have everything... where would you put it? Steven Wright”

“I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.”

“I was reading the dictionary, I thought it was a poem about everything”

“I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.”

“So I figured I'd leave the area, because I had no ties there anyway except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting attitudes: I really wasn't into meditating and she wasn't really into being alive. I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate has an expiration date.”

“I donated my body to science...fiction.”

“Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.”

“I just found out I have an IQ of 208, and I don't know what that means.”

“Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”

“If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.”

“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.”

“If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”

“If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.”

“I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.”

“What's another word for thesaurus?”

“The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.”

“When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.”

“There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”

“If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?”

“Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.”

“I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.”

“I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.”

“When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.”

“I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.”

“If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?”

“If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?”

“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.”

“Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.”

“I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.”

“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”

“I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.”

“I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.”

“The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?”

“It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.”

“You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.”

“I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.”


--------------------


2. "I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman."

3. "I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him."

4. "Every morning I get up and make instant coffee and I drink it so I have the energy to make real coffee."

5. "Woke up this morning and folded my bed back into a couch. Almost broke both my arms cause it’s not that kind of bed."

6. "I’m going to get a tattoo over my whole body of me but taller."

8. "I’ve been getting into astronomy so I installed a skylight. The people who live above me are furious."

9. "Why is it a penny for your thoughts but you have to put your two cents in? Somebody’s making a penny."

10. "I broke a mirror in my house and I’m supposed to get seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five."

11. "When I get real real bored I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I’m leaving."

12. "I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he’s gone."

13. "I’m writing a book. I have the page numbers done; now I just have to fill in the rest."

14. "When we were driving over the border back into the United States, they asked me if I had any firearms. I said what do you need?"

15. "I've written several children's books ... Not on purpose."

16. "I called the wrong number today. I said 'Hello, is Joey there?' A woman answered and she said 'Yes he is.' And I said ‘Can I speak to him please?’ She said ‘No, he can’t talk right now, he’s only two months old.' I said 'Alright, I’ll wait.'"

17. "I went to a place to eat. It said 'breakfast at any time.' So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."

18. "We lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If we wanted to cook something, we had to take a sweater off real quick. If we wanted to run a blender we had to rub balloons on our heads."

19. "I stayed up one night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."

20. "I was Caesarean born. Can’t really tell, although whenever I leave a house I go through the window."

==========================

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

Half the people you know are below average.

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.

The older you get, the more you learn to see what you've been taught to see. When you're a kid, you see what's there.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'

My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.'

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read"

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps

Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat

They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "What for?"

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'

Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers. You'd see a flock of birds come by, laughing hysterically!

In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.

I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit .

Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?


I just got this new camera. It's very advanced - you don't even need it.

Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.

I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.



If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them

I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, 'No thanks, I'm not going that far.


Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said 'cut it out'

A cop stopped me for speeding/ He said, 'Why were you going so fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing [mimes steering wheel]? This steers it'

Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.

My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.

"Sometimes I... No, I don't." - Steven Wright

"Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?" - Steven Wright

"Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?" - Steven Wright

"My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year." - Steven Wright

"I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy 'Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?' He said 'I don't know'. I said 'I don't want your job'." - Steven Wright

"I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise." - Steven Wright

"I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start." - Steven Wright

"It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear." - Steven Wright

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.



"I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles." - Steven Wright

"I took a lie detector test the other day. No, I didn't." - Steven Wright

"Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?" - Steven Wright

"My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it." - Steven Wright

"Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram." - Steven Wright

While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer."

"Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?" - Steven Wright

"I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it." - Steven Wright

"I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out.  The weatherman said 'I don't understand it.  It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.'  I said, oops" - Steven Wright

"Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'" - Steven Wright

"I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire." - Steven Wright

"I bought an ant farm.  I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!" - Steven Wright

"If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?" - Steven Wright

"If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" - Steven Wright

"A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better." - Steven Wright


"I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy." - Steven Wright

"Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?" - Steven Wright

"Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at." - Steven Wright

"For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram." - Steven Wright

"I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums." - Steven Wright

"I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open." - Steven Wright

"Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'" - Steven Wright

43.7 per cent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

"When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction." - Steven Wright

"I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out." - Steven Wright

"I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again." - Steven Wright

"I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot." - Steven Wright

"My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old." - Steven Wright

"The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing." - Steven Wright

"I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same." - Steven Wright

"I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it." - Steven Wright

"Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?" - Steven Wright

"The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney." - Steven Wright

"When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?" - Steven Wright

"The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me." - Steven Wright

"Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see." - Steven Wright

"The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread." - Steven Wright

"People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them." - Steven Wright

"I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost." - Steven Wright

"How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?" - Steven Wright

"Is it weird in here, or is it just me?" - Steven Wright

"Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen." - Steven Wright

"Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route." - Steven Wright

"I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control." - Steven Wright

"My secret to staying young... Having no sense of time." - Steven Wright

"I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out." - Steven Wright

"My father was a small claims court jester." - Steven Wright

"I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring."" - Steven Wright

"When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street." - Steven Wright

"If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before." - Steven Wright

"Do fish get cramps after eating?" - Steven Wright

"Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?" - Steven Wright

"I had amnesia once or twice." - Steven Wright

"My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs." - Steven Wright

"Clones are people two." - Steven Wright

"I took my dog for a walk... all the way from New York to Florida... I said to him "There now you're done."" - Steven Wright


"There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back, you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air." - Steven Wright


"Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?" - Steven Wright

"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive." - Steven Wright

"Whatever happened to preparations A through G?" - Steven Wright

"Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?" - Steven Wright

"I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child." - Steven Wright

"I invented the cordless extension cord." - Steven Wright

"Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together?" - Steven Wright

"My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper." - Steven Wright

"I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me - and I didn't hear it." - Steven Wright

"I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done." - Steven Wright

"I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare." - Steven Wright

"I bought a dog the other day. . . . I named him Stay. It's fun to call him. . . . "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing." - Steven Wright

"Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world." - Steven Wright

"The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded." - Steven Wright

"I like to skate on the other side of the ice." - Steven Wright

"I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator." - Steven Wright

"How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?" - Steven Wright

"Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?" - Steven Wright

"My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out." - Steven Wright

"In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number." - Steven Wright

"I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window." - Steven Wright

"If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?" - Steven Wright

"Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?" - Steven Wright

"Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?" - Steven Wright

"I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'" - Steven Wright

"I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen." - Steven Wright

"My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them." - Steven Wright

"Even snakes are afraid of snakes." - Steven Wright

"I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it" - Steven Wright

"What do batteries run on?" - Steven Wright

"The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is." - Steven Wright

"I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list." - Steven Wright

"I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly], and says, "Here, you can go"" - Steven Wright

"I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect." - Steven Wright

"After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?" - Steven Wright

"For a while I didn't have a car . . . I had a helicopter . . . no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running. [slow glance upward]" - Steven Wright

"I was born by Caesarian section . . . but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window." - Steven Wright

"A fool and his money are soon partying." - Steven Wright

"I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish." - Steven Wright

"I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about." - Steven Wright

"I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it."" - Steven Wright

"I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus." - Steven Wright

"One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building. I turned it, and the whole building started up. So I drove it around. A policeman stopped me for going too fast. He said, "Where do you live?" I said, "Right here!" Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway." - Steven Wright

"Four years ago... no, it was yesterday." - Steven Wright

"They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge." - Steven Wright

"I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back." - Steven Wright

"The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards." - Steven Wright

"A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. She said, "You didn't borrow this." I said, " I will!"" - Steven Wright

"I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, "Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday."" - Steven Wright

"My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me." - Steven Wright

"Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors." - Steven Wright

"[Referring to a glass of water:] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!" - Steven Wright

"I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake." - Steven Wright

"I went to the fights, and a hockey game broke out." - Steven Wright

"I used to be a narrator for bad mimes." - Steven Wright

"I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, "See, that's how it's done."" - Steven Wright

"I went to a garage sale. 'How much for the garage' 'It's not for sale.'" - Steven Wright

"I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing." - Steven Wright

"The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it." - Steven Wright

"When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since." - Steven Wright

"The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths." - Steven Wright

"I was once arrested for resisting arrest." - Steven Wright

"I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired." - Steven Wright

"When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them." - Steven Wright

"I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg." - Steven Wright

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Groucho Marx (“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.”)

Woody Allen (“I failed to make the chess team because of my height.”)

Change is inevitable… except from vending machines.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

 I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long.”

I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.

Someone told me half of all car accidents happen within a mile of your house. So I moved.

===================================
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Emo Phillips:

I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”

I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, "we've never had a democrat in the family before".

I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing." - Emo Philips

"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me." - Emo Philips

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life." - Emo Philips

"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." - Emo Philips

"I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby." - Emo Philips

"I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in." - Emo Philips

"I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them." - Emo Philips

"I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items." - Emo Philips

"When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I'd yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal... You have to let me in now." - Emo Philips

"I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes eventually. If they die without Christ." - Emo Philips

"All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there's so many real reasons to hate others." - Emo Philips

"When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun." - Emo Philips

"You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists." - Emo Philips

"Don't wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takep of her head to the tag on her toes." - Emo Philips

"My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets." - Emo Philips

"When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them." - Emo Philips

"I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose." - Emo Philips

"So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon." - Emo Philips

"I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me." - Emo Philips

"I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be taken off of it for one." - Emo Philips

"I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don't know what she charges him." - Emo Philips

"I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me." - Emo Philips

"Not everybody hates me. Only the people who've met me." - Emo Philips

"My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself." - Emo Philips

"I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson." - Emo Philips

"My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it." - Emo Philips

"I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won." - Emo Philips

"Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps." - Emo Philips

"They have a sign at the beach, "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers." - Emo Philips

"I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them." - Emo Philips

"The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference." - Emo Philips

"I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?" - Emo Philips

"I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me." - Emo Philips

"Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?" - Emo Philips

"The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy." - Emo Philips

"I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy." - Emo Philips

"I'm not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?" - Emo Philips

"Isn't this a wonderful country? I was in Florida. I'm staying at a motel called the Three Palms. It's run by a middle-aged couple, one of whom is missing a hand. OK! That's what I thought, too! But they got upset when I asked." - Emo Philips

"One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game." - Emo Philips

"How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand." - Emo Philips

"I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint." - Emo Philips

"Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'" - Emo Philips

"What is eternity? You're on the checkout line at a supermarket. There are seven people in front of you. They are all old. They all have two carts and coupons for every item. They are all paying by check. None of them have ID. It's the checkout girl's first day on the job. She doesn't speak any English. Take away fifteen minutes from that, and you begin to get an idea of what eternity is." - Emo Philips

"When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage." - Emo Philips

"My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something." - Emo Philips

"When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter." - Emo Philips

"I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him." - Emo Philips

"I'd be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I'd run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back." - Emo Philips

"I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, "I am a bulemic"." - Emo Philips

"The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way." - Emo Philips

"People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce." - Emo Philips

"I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods." - Emo Philips

Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.

"My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid...and her nose was shot off by French soldiers." - Emo Philips

"I've been at stand-up for years: after a while, you get as jaded as the proverbial gynecologist who no longer enjoys drugging and violating his patients." - Emo Philips

"I'm filthy stinking rich - well, two out of three ain't bad." - Emo Philips

"The nicest present I ever got was an exploding suppository." - Emo Philips

"When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell." - Emo Philips

"I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one." - Emo Philips

"My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often." - Emo Philips

"I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator." - Emo Philips

"I love my family. I came home the other days. My brother's passed-out on the couch, holding an empty bottle of sleeping pills. So I called the paramedics, and they pumped his stomach, and I think he's learned his lesson: you know, never to take my last two sleeping pills." - Emo Philips

"I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy." - Emo Philips

"I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming because they don't know I'm only using blanks." - Emo Philips

"You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back." - Emo Philips

"Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen." - Emo Philips

"My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour." - Emo Philips

"My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment." - Emo Philips

"Back in high school, my buddies tried to put the make on anything that moved. I told them, Why limit yourselves?" - Emo Philips

"I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center." - Emo Philips

"New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him." - Emo Philips

"The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to go to sleep it goes back into the lab and starts fumbling with the data and destroying it. It's a very tricky thing. People think our minds are us, but that's not true at all. The mind is not us." - Emo Philips

"At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote." - Emo Philips

"I think of people as members of an audience. But an audience acts independently of every individual. It's an organism on its own. I focus on that living hydra in the dark." - Emo Philips

"I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy." - Emo Philips

"If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza." - Emo Philips

"I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back." - Emo Philips

"I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them." - Emo Philips

"But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy." - Emo Philips

"When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas." - Emo Philips

"I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"" - Emo Philips

"Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day." - Emo Philips

"Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something." - Emo Philips

"You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize." - Emo Philips

"My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'" - Emo Philips

"I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child." - Emo Philips

"Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball." - Emo Philips

"I was walking down the street. something caught my eye, and dragged it fifteen feet." - Emo Philips

"My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out feeding it. You know... cereal or whatever." - Emo Philips

"I think it's good to know more than the average guy. If I'm in a bar now and some pretty girl is talking to some handsome 24-year-old man, I'll say, "Okay, who's the emperor after Caligula? What chief mistake did Marcus Aurelius make in choosing a successor?" He'll just look like an idiot. She'll just gravitate toward me, I'm thinking. It works in Detroit." - Emo Philips

"I was the kid next door's imaginary friend." - Emo Philips

"The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks." - Emo Philips

"I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen." - Emo Philips

"I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home." - Emo Philips

"When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster." - Emo Philips

"I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy." - Emo Philips

"Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life." - Emo Philips

"I'm a great lover, I'll bet." - Emo Philips

"My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment." - Emo Philips

"My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear." - Emo Philips

"Sometimes my mother goes through my socks and underwear. I wouldn't mind, but it tickles so much!" - Emo Philips

"A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."" - Emo Philips

"I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code." - Emo Philips

"My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family." - Emo Philips

"The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, "children are our most prescious natural resource". I thought, "let's hope it never comes to that"." - Emo Philips

"People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi." - Emo Philips

"When I was young, my father had a serious heart attack. He  survived, but we lost our house and car. Under the Canadian Medicare  system, though, we would have kept the house and car and would have just  had to pay the inheritance tax." - Emo Philips

"When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!" - Emo Philips

"He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites." - Emo Philips

"The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow." - Emo Philips

"I'm very religious, you know. Now, OK, if by 'religious', you mean that I go to church every Sunday, read the bible faithfully, and I listen to Debbie Boone, umm, I'm not religious in that sense... But if by 'religious' you mean that I love others and try to help them whenever possible... Again, no. But if by 'religious' you mean that I like to eat coleslaw... Yeah, OK, OK!" - Emo Philips

"Libertarians believe consenting adults have the right to do whatever they choose, except band together." - Emo Philips

"Cell phones are like a dog's nipples... you don't have to shout into them!" - Emo Philips

"I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks." - Emo Philips

"Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block." - Emo Philips

"I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine." - Emo Philips

"My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?" - Emo Philips

"I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill." - Emo Philips

"Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist." - Emo Philips

"Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel." - Emo Philips

"Well! I feel happy these days. I've started taking a herbal anti-depressant. It's called Saint John's Wort. Apparently it's the best-selling anti-depressant in many places. It's the most popular anti-depressant in Germany... After, I'm guessing, amnesia." - Emo Philips

"I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'" - Emo Philips

"I used to think I knew everything, but older you get the more you see other areas. If you could read everything about both sides, you'll pretty much be in the middle again, which is the state you had when you were totally ignorant. So my theory is if you maintain total ignorance - which isn't easy, but I try - you'll be just as far ahead as if you'd spent days and days reading about the whole issue. And you have that much extra time to play Pac-man." - Emo Philips

"They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo." - Emo Philips

"Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow." - Emo Philips

"I was sick of people making fun of my hair and so I cut it off and I've got much more attention than ever before. It was like when Mona Lisa was stolen from the Louvre in 1906 - three times more people came to see where it used to be." - Emo Philips

"The question is absurd: when you ask, 'If God is both all good and all powerful, why then does He allow suffering?', what you are really asking is, 'If God is both all good and all powerful, why then can He not make me (the questioner) - who is just as much a part of a universe in which there is suffering as is any other part - be at the same time the exact same questioner, but one who is now part and parcel of a universe in which there is no suffering?' Which, reduced down, is the same thing as asking, 'Why can there not be, at the same time, X and the preclusion of X?'" - Emo Philips

"I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don't know, do you have cable? I say no, but the rope should work just fine." - Emo Philips

"Race is still somewhat of a taboo in comedy. But if you're a minority, then you can make fun of your own minority. And that's a nice service that many of them provide." - Emo Philips

"When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches." - Emo Philips

"Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy." - Emo Philips

"I'm not as good a swimmer as I used to be - thanks to evolution." - Emo Philips

"I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time." - Emo Philips

"If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy." - Emo Philips

"Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?" - Emo Philips

"Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat." - Emo Philips

"People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'" - Emo Philips

"Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?" - Emo Philips

"I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady...take your purse.'" - Emo Philips

"Santa Fe is fun to visit, but property there will cost you an arm and a dillo." - Emo Philips

"Some comedians change their style, often to their advantage; but I see no reason why I can't continue with the "urbane sophisticate" 'til the day I die." - Emo Philips

"In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some." - Emo Philips

"My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe." - Emo Philips

"I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper." - Emo Philips

"I learned about sex the hard way... from books." - Emo Philips

"I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend." - Emo Philips

"Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps." - Emo Philips

"I don't really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I've been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn't call that hanging out." - Emo Philips

"I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn." - Emo Philips

"I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak." - Emo Philips

"Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit." - Emo Philips

"Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th." - Emo Philips

"Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me." - Emo Philips

"I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference." - Emo Philips

"Writing jokes for others is like having babies for someone else. It's sad. Like the woman who gives up her baby but needs to be close so she secretly becomes the maid in the household." - Emo Philips

"I'll do anything for my wife, it's turning out." - Emo Philips


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The 50 Dollar Lesson


Recently, while I was working in the flower beds in the front yard, my neighbors stopped to chat as they returned home from walking their dog.

During our friendly conversation, I asked their little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?" She replied... "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people." Her parents beamed with pride!

"Wow...what a worthy goal!" I said. "But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that!" I told her. "What do you mean?" she replied. So I told her, "You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and trim my hedge, and I'll pay you $50. Then you can go over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out and give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house."

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?" I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party." Her parents aren't speaking to me anymore.


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Jimmy Carr
A nurse pulls a [rectal] thermometer out of her pocket, looks at it and says, "Some A**-Hole's got my pen...

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As the storm raged,the captain realized his ship was sinking fast.

So he shouted out, "Anyone here know how to pray?"

Just one guy stepped forward and said, "Aye, captain,I know how to pray."

"Good,"said the captain, "You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short."

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How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to film it so fundamentalists won't claim that god did it.

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How many religious people does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just sit in the dark and demand you accept that the light is still on.

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A priest and an atheist are having a conversation.

Priest: You are like a blind man in a dark room trying to find a black cat that is not there

Atheist: Then we are both alike.

Priest: How is that?

Atheist: We are both blind men in a dark room trying to find a black cat that is not there. The only difference is you claimed to have found it.

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“The Pope and Trump were on stage in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leaned towards Mr. Trump and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand, I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!”
Trump replied, “I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!”
So the Pope slapped him”

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two 9/11 truthers are gunned down, and they end up in Heaven. While before the Lord, they ask Him who really was behind the attacks.

The Lord said, it was Islamist terrorists acting on orders from Osama bin Laden. The U.S. wasn't involved at all.

One conspiracist turned to the other and said, "See, it goes all the way to the top."

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"The reasonable man adapts himself to the world. The unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man."  - George Bernard Shaw

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" I read that most accidents occur close to home, so I moved"

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A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."
The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?"
The little girl replied, "My homework."

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Become a [preschool] math teacher and make little things count!

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Teacher: Milton, how can you prove the earth is round?
Milton: I can't. Besides, I never said it was.

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Billy and Willy were at Sunday school studying about Noah's ark. On the way home, Willy asked, "Do you think Noah did much fishing?"
"How could he?" said Billy. "He only had two worms".

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"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

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"Isn't the principal a dummy!" said a boy to a girl.

"Say, do you know who I am?" asked the girl.
"No."
"I'm the principal's daughter."

"And do you know who I am?" asked the boy.
"No," she replied.
"Thank goodness!"

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"I've just had the most awful time," said a boy to his friends. "First I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics, and to top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy."

"Wow! How did you pull through?" sympathized his friends.

"I don't know," the boy replied. "Toughest spelling test I ever had."

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